When we become a Mother, we are often seen as Just A Mum. Our Identity slowly slips away from us as our children enter the world screaming for our undivided love and attention and we are a changed woman forever. In this post, I will be discussing A Single Mothers Struggle To Be Seen As a Woman, especially in the dating world!
During those early days of motherhood our life abruptly taken over by nappy changes, feedings, sleepless nights. And as our children get that bit older, our time is taken over by school runs, clubs, kids parties. And don’t believe for a minute it gets much better when they are teens!
As a Mum, there is always soooo much to do for our kids. And as a mum, we are always there doing it!
Society has a lot to answer for when it comes to the Immense pressure that is put on Mothers and the way we are viewed, especially those who happen to be Single Mothers.
(I am well aware that there are a lot more Single Fathers out there now, but as much as some wont want to believe it, A single mothers struggle is different to a single fathers struggle- although both are just as relevant, I can only speak from my experience and those that I know).
It is constantly fed to us that our kids are all that matter. Our efforts should be fully focused on our children. This must include co-parenting (even if your still trying to heal, more about that HERE), and making sure our children are fed, watered, and educated. We should be working and providing both inside and outside of the home. Never, ever neglecting our children.
Yet it is fine that we neglect ourselves: The single mothers struggle!
It is often forgotten that we also have needs just like any other woman, and any other human. But when it comes to us Dating, we are often seen as damaged, used goods and baby-makers.
Unfortunately, a lot of us take this identity on as our own too. Over the years, some of us have been conditioned to believe these stereotypes. Thus more often than not, attracting the wrong type of people into our lives.
Dating and sex are very different and much more complicated for the single mother than that of a single woman. But, this is not only down to us.
As I have described above, society and ourselves have been conditioned to believe that Single mums are not important. We don’t have the same needs as other Women. We live to serve others!
Of course we love our children more than life itself, but We Are Women too!
We must always take responsibility for our own lives, but unfortunately we are still facing a battle with society. Some may disagree, as there have been some improvements over the years, but there are 100% still a lot of inequalities where single mothers are concerned.
We are expected to do ALL of the above, by ourselves, often with little to no support. But we are also expected to navigate the Treacherous world of dating the same as every other single woman.
The typical single Mothers struggle! Be Everything… All The Time!
The problem is, we are not every other single woman. We not only have different and often more complicated lives from other single women, but we also have to deal with a different type of (in my experience) Man.
I have come across some serious morons when it has come to dating. And whilst I fully appreciate that women with no children also face these issues with dating these days, there is a slight difference.
The single mothers Struggle Online Dating experiment
A while back, (way before I started this blog), I did a little experiment. I set up two different dating profiles. Both with the same picture, same info but with one slight difference.
The results proved a very valid point on what society says about single parents. Now whilst I understand that there are some people who would rather not date someone with children for reasons such as worrying about drama with the ex or just not wanting children in general (perfectly valid).
That is not what I observed. What I encountered was the different quality of men who messaged me and matched, as well as how I was spoken to! on each profile! When I say quality, I do not mean wealthy etc.
Profile One:
I was not so honest on the profile and put that I didn’t have children. Or rather, just didn’t specify that I had children.
Yes, there were still sleezy men on Profile One, but no where near as many. And they were mainly men who were just really bad at flirting.
Hey beautiful, how’s your day? You look stunning By the way.
Iain from Surrey
What type of flowers do you like? I’d love to be prepared for when I take you on a date.
Mike from Guildford
I’ll admit, I went on a date with Mike, after I came clean about having kids and he was fine with it (Not all men are bad… so that’s not where I am going with this.), we didn’t work out, but he was a genuinely nice guy.
On profile Two:
I was honest on this one and ticked the box that said I have children… well, what can I say? Most of the messages I received went something like…
“Ooohhh, you look like you like a good time, wanna meet at mine in half hour? I got a couple of tinnies in the fridge!”
Bell-end from Twickenham
No thanks mate!
“So how many baby Dads you got? Want me to put another one in ya?”
Twat from Feltham
How did I resist?
What time do the kids go to bed? I got a biiiiig surprise for you babe!”
Douch-bag from Hampton
No idea what the surprise could have possibly been… I wasn’t desperate enough to find out funnily enough! Ha!
Let’s also not forget to give a shout out to all the not so beautiful pics of Naked Mole Rats I get sent.
WHY? JUST WHY?
This was just one experiment I conducted a couple of years back (May recreate this one day when I figure out how to put the messages on without getting sued). But it goes some way to giving you an idea of how we are viewed by society.
I know this isn’t the case for every one and obviously I have had some nicer messages or I wouldn’t have been on any dates at all!
But we are not Toys, Pieces of meat or robots!
We are Women!
Unfortunately, we can’t do much bout how society and other people view us, people will always hold their own prejudices and act accordingly. But I am so tired of seeing how many single mothers struggle with online dating.
All we can do is keep holding each other up and continue working on ourselves and up levelling into the best versions of ourselves we can be. They may be the scum of the earth, but we are not!
We need to remember that what people think of us is none of our business. Let them think what they want. They are missing out on a beautiful, loving and honest women because they are too Dim to see your light.
Keep working on your financial education and mindset. This is so important as it can be so easy to fall in to the trap of taking in anyone who gives you attention when you feel unworthy and as though you need someone to take care of you!
Keep Dating yourself (Read more on that Here). The more time you spend on dating yourself, i.e. actually treating yourself how to deserve, taking yourself out, finding things you like, the less likely you will be to tolerate these deadbeats and actually attract better.
And just know, I see you. I see you as the beautiful, Loving and Amazing Woman that you are!
Comments
3 responses to “A Single Mothers Struggle To Be Seen As a Woman”
Great post, thank you for sharing.
Our identities sure do slip away when we have kids. Then as an empty nester, I still don’t feel validated. It’s really hard on our self-esteem. Thank you for bringing attention and support to those of us struggling with this!
Thank you for your comment. Yes it doesn’t end once the children get older, we must still keep learning to love ourselves and work on our self esteem