Dating as a Single Mum can be exhausting at times! Trying to find time to date amid the endless tasks of motherhood, work demands, cleaning and cooking in itself is a task! But it is made worse when those dates just don’t go the way you had hoped. All is not lost though. I wrote in a previous article about why going on bad dates is actually a good thing. But when we finally get out there on a date, how do we know what to look out for? How do we know if this person is going to be a good fit for what we want in a relationship? I am going to show you some of the biggest red flags you need to run from! Some of them can be difficult to spot!
If Something Feels Off, It Probably Is
Occasionally, because dating as a single parent can suck at times, plus the need and want to actually still have a love life, we will over- look some things. But it is important to remember that When dating as a single parent, we are often not only dating for ourselves.
Even if you don’t wish to have a new romantic interest near your children for a long time, eventually if you are looking for a long term thing, that person will be around your children. Not only that, but your children want to see you happy. And they deserve to see you being treated well, even if they are not around the person themselves, your relationship will have an effect on you and your home life. Especially if it turns out to be toxic.
So It is important that we choose wisely and trust our gut instincts. We don’t always get this right obviously or we wouldn’t still be single. I am so guilty of going against my gut. But I am learning! There are some people you must absolutely trust your gut with and avoid at all costs!
What are Red Flags When Dating?
Single parent dating can feel like a real sport, the endless scrolling on dating apps and swiping hoping to find a good match. Chatting for days or weeks and hoping that this is the right person for you. Hiring babysitters, finding something to wear that you feel comfortable, yet hot in, only for the date to cancel! And then you start the process all over again! Joyous.
You hear the words Red Flag!!! Banded around all of the time these days. Unfortunately people have made a bit of a joke about spotting red flags. And have taken every little thing they don’t particularly love about people and started calling them red flags! That is not what we are doing here today!
There are Major red Flags and Minor Red Flags. Which are essentially warning signs as to whether it is worth persueing a new relationship with that person or not. If you have been through a toxic relationship before you most likely will recognise a few of these. I have been through a few toxic relationships and in hindsight the red flags were literally waving right in front of my face. But I didn’t really know what to look for and sometimes I did, but chose to ignore them and I paid the price heavily at times!
Here we will take a look at some of the most common red flags so you can make better decisions about who you continue dating. Remember there is no judgment here if you have dated many a walking red flag… I am guilty of it too. But we should keep trying and learning so we can eventually have a healthy relationship!
All Their exes Are Crazy
If a man (or woman) says they have crazy exes… run for the hills! Run faster than Forest Gump! seriously get the hell out whilst you can. As there is a very high chance that if all their exes were “crazy”, they made them that way! Some ones past relationships are a great indicator of how yours will be also. This isn’t always the case, but often it is especially when a person lays on the blame on their exes.
This is one of those Big Red Flags! Either they made them that way or there is something they’re hiding and they wont take accountability for. I have dated a couple of guys who said this, and whilst I never believed that their exes were actually crazy, I still gave the guy a chance… and guess what?
Their exes most likely had valid reasons for acting out of character, if they even did. One guy told me his ex was so crazy that she stole numerous things from his house when she left. Turns out he was a con man who would “borrow” money with no intention of paying it back and then dump people when he couldn’t get any more from them and found a new supply (he did this to numerous women I found out later)… She just took her stuff back!
So if he says his exes are all crazy do not believe it and run!!!
Love Bombing
Love Bombing is a tricky one to spot sometimes and a difficult one to deal with. If you really like someone, you generally do want all their attention, you want them saying deep and meaningful things and buying you presents… it’s nice… until it’s not.
There is a difference between being really into someone, being thoughtful and intentional with your time with them and Love Bombing.
How do you know if this is one of those red flags, or the persons just besotted? I mean you are awesome right?
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic used to in a way force you into a relationship with them. the person will go above and beyond to get you to fall for them. It can be hard to spot, and it can differ from person to person but some usual signs to watch for are:
Excessive Flattery- You are literally the best thing since sliced bread!
Grandiose Declarations of Love- Telling you how much they like you (or love you) and everything about you very early on, love grows over time!
Showering you with Gifts- Yes getting gifts is nice, the odd bunch of flowers on a date or a small token gift on a special occasion is more than sufficient for a brand new relationship, but if they are continuously buying or sending you gifts early on, its love bombing.
Check Out This Post On Setting Higher Standards When Dating!
Intense conversations about your future together– I am sorry but you do not know if you are going to be with someone forever by the 2nd date!
Love bombing can be intentional or unintentional but if you mention it ands they get defensive or don’t stop, then it’s intentional!
So keep an eye out on these things happening. Don’t get me wrong, if you have been dating for months and spent a significant amount of time together then these things may be perfectly acceptable. But not early on.
They Say They Don’t Deserve You
If someone continuously says they don’t deserve you, or to be on a date with you, there is a high chance they don’t! This may not always be true, they may just have a lower view of themselves, low-self esteem, but it almost always means that they know they are going to treat you badly and you don’t deserve it!
Low-self esteem is not always a reason to stop dating someone, I think that would be cruel and lowers their self-esteem more. Some people have just been conditioned to believe they are not good enough for anyone. But be aware if they are consistently telling you they don’t deserve you, or you don’t deserve to be with someone as rubbish as them!
They may have a point!
Aggressive/ Violent Behaviour
This is a Major red flag for obvious reasons. Even if not directed towards you, watch out for aggressive or violent behaviour towards anyone. The waiter, another guy, anyone!
If the person is violent or aggressive towards another person and thinks it is acceptable behaviour, there is a chance that aggression will be turned on you at some point!
One of my exes when I was in my early twenties hit a man who he believed was staring whilst we were on a date. The poor guy probably wasn’t! At the time, I thought it was fine. I thought he was just really protective, which was nice to me at the time as I never felt protected. But when the fists started flying in my direction a few months later… I did not feel so safe!
So keep an eye out on that kind of behaviour!
Lack Of Respect For Other Women
I do not care who you are, what you like like, what you wear! Everybody is entitled to respect and dignity! Do not allow yourself to sit with people who disrespect other women.
Women must stand together! If your date starts saying disrespectful things about other women then run. He will have no respect for you either!
weather it is sexually disrespectful and speaking derogatively about you or other women. Or just saying rude things about what other people look like… it is not acceptable behaviour! Do not allow it!
Only Taking Their Own Needs Into Consideration
Whilst we must prioritise our own needs when first dating, so we don’t neglect ourselves. Beware of people who expect their needs are all that matter.
This can be any needs ranging from sexual needs (who wants a selfish lover?) to emotional needs. Whilst you cannot fully get to know someone from the first date or even the second or third. There will be signs that someone is only out for what THEY can get from YOU. This is a clear red flag.
Some people have no idea that a relationship is a two way street and there should be give and take. Some people will just take and take and take, and then when its your turn… poof… they’re no where to be seen.
Controlling Behaviour
This one is quite obvious but sometimes it can be missed. If someone is trying to control you or the situation now so early on, it will inevitably get worse.
look out for people who want to be fully in control of where you go on a date, not giving you any choice at all (it can be nice to be surprised but there is a difference). They can even start controlling what you wear early on without you realising by making little comments here and there.
Some people will attempt to control you by taking up all of your time so you have no time for anyone else. You may not realise this as a form of control at first, as you just think they want to spend all their time with you, but it definitely can be.
Lack of or Inconsistent Communication
Lack of Communication is very important warning sign in any relationship, but early on it is a good indicator for where you stand with someone and how much they think of you. Not only that, but it is very difficult to form an emotional connection with someone who shows a lack of communication.
As I have said before, this does not mean constant communication. but also not disappearing for 24/48 hours at a time is a good start! If someone is inconsistent with how the reply to you, then it is a sign that they do not like you that much and may be keeping you hanging as a back up.
You don’t need to be permanently attached to your phone, but daily check-in messages, asking how you are, if you have any plans etc are nice and show they are thinking of you. And the same in return, it is a two way street. But leaving you on read for 24 hours is a No-go! no one is too busy!