I am such a Bitch and You should be too! Being a people pleaser is draining for the heart and for the soul and as a single parent it is so easy for us to fall in to this trap! Everyone expects something from us right? But it is also so, so important that you Stop People Pleasing, not only for your own peace, but for your children too!
For some of us, people pleasing has become so ingrained in us as normal, that we will literally destroy our whole lives in order to please other people.
Whether it is tending to someone else’s needs, spending time with people who you don’t like being around, not standing up for yourselves, or just living in a way that you don’t want to through fear of upsetting others!
I have always been a people pleaser. I would give out my time, money and energy to anyone if they said they needed it. I would live my life on other peoples terms, not stand up for myself and I would neglect myself just so I could be accepted and loved by people who never truly loved or respected me anyway!
Can you relate?
If so, then You Need to keep reading!
I stopped doing all of those things above. Not completely, but just for certain people… I no longer give out my time, money, or energy freely.
unfortunately according to people who no longer get anything from me, I have become a selfish bitch!
But I really don’t care and you shouldn’t either!
Why Do We Become People Pleasers?
In order to stop being a people pleaser, we need to figure out why we are one in the first place. There are many reasons why someone would become a people pleaser, and every ones reasons are likely to be different. So I will list some of the things that can cause people pleasing behaviours. This list is not extensive, as it would be impossible for me to guess why every single person has become a people pleaser, but it will give you a good idea as to why you have these tendencies.
You Have Severely Low Self -esteem
People with really low self esteem will often people please in order to gain acceptance from others. It can give you a sense of belonging, you are needed, you are accepted, you are wanted. People with low self-esteem are often averse to conflict, which can make them try to please others out of fear of upsetting, or making them mad. Low self esteem can also result in people pleasing because you’re uncomfortable with who you are, and it’s easier and far more comfortable being who others want you to be.
You Grew Up In An Unhealthy Environment
A lot of our personalities are formed during our childhoods, so it is no surprise that there is a chance that is where our people pleasing tendencies came from. Maybe you grew up in an environment where there was unreasonably high expectations or tricky and unstable relationships. When You were younger, you may have learned that you only made your parents happy when you did what they wanted and you feared punishment or abandonment. Therefor putting their needs befor your own.
You Are Extremely Empathetic And Compassionate
Empathy and Compassion are good traits obviously, they are genuine and beautiful emotions that everybody should possess. But there is a point that it becomes a problem if your caring and compassionate side becomes overwhelming and you start putting others wants and needs ahead of your own. This is where it becomes less of a genuine and loving emotion and forms more of a need to be valued and accepted.
You Have Suffered From Abuse
A lot of people who have suffered from abuse will develop people pleasing behaviours. You learned that in order to keep yourself safe was to keep your abuser happy. Even when we have come through these situations and we are now safe, our minds may not have caught up and we can continue the same behaviours in order to feel safe and accepted.
Why Do We Need To Stop People Pleasing?
On my road through self discovery and spirituality, I have had to uncover and heal a lot of parts of myself and accept some sometimes uncomfortable truths. Unpacking these truths about myself and my life wasn’t easy.
The reasons for my own people pleasing behaviours fall into more than one of the categories above. I had to sit with the fact that I have been neglected and abandoned so many times by the people I loved, but most importantly that I had neglected and abandoned myself.
I neglected myself by saying yes to things others wanted me to do that didn’t align with my values.
I neglected myself when I would spend time with people who triggered all of my wounds and drained my energy.
I neglected myself when I accepted people into my life who I knew were not good people but I so wanted to be liked.
I neglected myself when I listened to the opinions of others on how I should live my life or bring up my children.
I neglected myself when I didn’t stand up to bullies or speak my truth!
I neglected myself when I took on the identity of the ‘stereotypical’ single mum as my own.
I neglected myself every time I went against my intuition.
I neglected myself when I listened to other peoples opinions on how I should live my life.
I neglected myself by giving other people money, time, or energy when I needed it for myself and my children.
I neglected myself when I took care of people who would not take care of me even if I was on fire!
And do you know what it got me?
Nothing but misery!
It left me alone and confused.
It left me drained.
It left me poor.
It left me questioning my own existence.
This is why we need to take control of our people pleasing. When we pour too much into other peoples wants, needs, or opinions, we start to neglect our own.
You and your children should be your main focus. Yes obviously if you are able to and all of your needs are being met then pour into others, but pour into you first- and make sure you are pouring into the right people!
I often do not have time or energy for anyone else due to not being properly supported myself and having to take care of myself and Three children alone. But because I do now make me a priority, when an issue has come up where a close (good) friend, or a family member needs me, I can be there for them!
When my kids need me, I can be there for them.
When I was pouring into and worrying about what everyone else wanted from me, or thought of me, I inadvertently neglected myself and the people who were actually important to me.
And that is why you need to stop too!
How To Stop People Pleasing
Start by recognising that People pleasing is a choice! I know it may not seem that way as it often is an automatic behaviour. But now you know that it is an unhealthy behaviour you need to choose to stop!
Figure out What Your Priorities Should Be! Set your own priorities and goals in life and say no to anything that doesn’t align with them.
Set Your Boundaries in Stone! Having Boundaries in place is hard for a people pleaser, but just know that having boundaries is one of the highest forms of self-love. Yes this will upset some people, but that just means they were benefiting from your lack of boundaries and it is ok if they don’t like it.
Practice saying NO! Have you ever been invited to something and you really don’t want to go because you are too busy, or you really don’t want to be around certain people, but you find yourself saying yes anyway? Then you need to start practicing the word no! It is ok to decline an invitation, or a project or anything that you don’t want to do.
Sit In The Discomfort! It can feel difficult to stop people pleasing behaviour. You will likely experience feelings of rejection, judgment, abandonment, and imperfection. But these feeling are natural and you need to learn to feel them and get through them so they stop having so much power over you.
Stopping People Pleasing is Far From Easy
Once I had put a stop to neglecting myself, started putting myself first, started standing up for myself, removing myself from situations that do not feel good to me and treading my own path, speaking my own truth… guess what?
I became the bad guy to a lot of people!
I became a selfish bitch!
Don’t get me wrong, I am still a good person (just no longer a ‘nice’ one- there is a huuuuge difference), I will still help people whenever I can.
But not everyone. Not anymore.
I have had no choice but to become very selfish with my Time, Money and Energy and it has been the best decision I have ever made.
And yes, it has meant that I have lost people along the way. But the only ones I lost were the ones with bad intentions.
And that isn’t a bad thing!
I feel so much more at peace, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders knowing that the only people I spend my time, energy and money on are those who are also good people.
How about you?
Are you neglecting yourself?
Do you need to start embodying your inner selfish bitch and stop people pleasing?