Abuse comes in many forms and if you are here because you have been subjected to any kind of abuse then I am truly sorry. No one should have to suffer at the hands (or words) of another, but unfortunately so many of us do. Dealing with the aftermath of abuse is a difficult and sometimes long process for anyone, but for single mothers, trying to heal from abuse whilst still caring for our children can be so, so difficult.
Before we fully get into how you can heal from abuse as a single mum, please, please make sure you are getting the proper professional help if you feel you need it. If you are struggling with your mental health, I strongly urge you to seek medical help from your Dr and potentially see if therapy is an option for you.
If You are still in an unsafe situation then there are often services and support groups in your area who can help. Here in the UK we have Shelter and Womens Aid and here is a great post highlighting many charities in the US that provide support for single mothers. Please check them out if you feel you need some more support! And if you live elsewhere check in your country what help is out there. If that isn’t possible then please Contact Us and we will see if we can find any support for you.
Abuse Isn’t Always What You Think It is
Before we can heal from abuse, we must recognise and accept that it happened in the first place! Abuse comes in so many forms and luckily these days more and more light is being shed on abuse. And luckily the phrase “Why didn’t you just leave sooner?” is slowly dying down as people actually realise the extent abuse can actually affect a person and why they wouldn’t (or more likely couldn’t) just leave. But we don’t always even realise ourselves that we have actually been abused. Let alone being able to actually process the emotional pain and emotional trauma that comes from suffering from any type of abuse. Sometimes it isn’t until you are out of a situation and step back that you realise what was actually happening.
I just want to highlight some of the types of abuse that a person may have sustained.
Physical Abuse
this is the one that everyone obviously knows and will come to mind when they think of abuse. This is where Somebody uses any form of physical force to harm or scare someone.
Visa Abuse
this one isn’t heard of or at least talked of often, but it is where someone uses a persons lack of legal status or citizenship to gain and maintain power and control over another in any Family-like relationship situation.
Psychological Abuse
this is when the abuser makes their victim question their sanity or recollection of reality through manipulation and lying. You may have heard of Gaslighting? This is a form of Psychological abuse and can cause severe anxiety and confusion in the victim.
Sexual Abuse
This is forced or coerced sexual activity as a way to exert power, harm or control over a person. back in the day it was not even considered abuse if you were married as it was your spouses right. That is no longer the case thankfully and more light and attention is being brought to it.
Controlling Behaviour
This form of abuse can often be hard to spot and difficult to realise when it is happening as it often starts slowly and gradually. Controlling where you go, what you wear, who you speak to, what you eat. Control can be gained through many different ways and the abuser will often try to justify their controlling behaviour by saying they just care about you.
Financial Abuse
This is when a person uses money or finances to gain power and control over another person. this could be not allowing access to money the person is entitled to or taking money from them with no intention of giving it back as a form to control the person.
Digital Abuse
The use of technology to control, coerce, stalk or harass another person. This could be the use of tracking and cameras to check on the whereabouts.
Emotional Abuse
This is any act to undermine some ones self-esteem, intimidate them or isolate them from the people they know. The effects of emotional abuse and verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse!
Abuse isn’t limited to the typical romantic relationships type of situations either.
Anybody Who displays abusive behaviour towards you is wrong. Whether its a partner, a parent or a friend or family member. Abuse is abuse no matter who the perpetrator is.
It really doesn’t matter what your situation is or the extent of abuse you endured. I have been through two abusive relationships. One was physical and controlling and I left covered head to toe in bruises. And the other was emotional and psychological, which left a lot of mental scars!
I also had a situation recently once I had healed and could recognise the signs, with a man who was definitely an abuser. He displayed a lot of manipulative and abusive behaviour, luckily that ended before any serious damage was done. But he did still cause damage and was incredibly clever in the way he did it to get around all the sensors I have gained after my experiences. This did set me back for a few weeks in my healing journey as I started to question my self-worth again and struggled to trust myself. But luckily I have built myself up enough that he didn’t keep me down long! I’m back and stronger than ever! You will be too, I promise!
So if you have been in more than one abusive relationship, do not blame yourself, this what they do, it is who they are. It actually has nothing to do with you at all!
All situations affected me negatively but in very different ways. So no matter what the abuse was, how you are feeling is perfectly valid.
How Can You Heal From Abuse As A Single Mum
The first thing to do is breathe! Healing is a complex process, but you are now safe and you are loved! Even if you feel alone right now, you have us here at Single Mum Unhinged and we will help you to get back to a calm, peaceful and healed version of yourself!
It can be so hard to believe that you will feel ok again and that good times lay ahead when you have suffered from abuse. And no doubt you have been busy with the children too! But now is the time to start concentrating on yourself. Remember what I said before, this is not a replacement for professional help or therapy. These are just they ways in which I helped myself heal from abuse alongside the professional help!
Get Support
In order to journey through a successful healing process you must Make sure you surround yourself with supportive people! Whether it is a close friend, family members, or fellow survivors of abuse . Make sure you find yourself a good support network and are surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you and will be a source of support whilst you heal from abuse.
When you are trying to heal from abuse it can feel so, so lonely and having people around you who love and support you can really help! Myself and my best friend have both admitted that neither of us would have gotten through those times if we didn’t have each other! Love and friendship is so, so important!
Establishing yourself a good, solid support system that can provide you with emotional support will be incredibly beneficial to your healing journey!
Take Care Of You Whilst You Heal From Abuse
You need to start remembering that you are important. This is something that after years of abuse, we can often forget. You and your body are so important and deserve to be taken care of! And self-care and self- love is not selfish! It can feel like it as a mother, but I guarantee you it is not! It is in fact a very important part of the healing process.
Start small and do little things everyday to start showing yourself some extra love and support. Do this along side any professional support you are hopefully getting!
Weather its exercise, eating well, cutting alcohol. Or even just pampering yourself or buying yourself little treats. Yes it is bloody hard when you have kids to look after first but you are doing it for them too, as you will be a better person if you love yourself first!
Journal To Heal From Abuse
Recovering from any abusive behavior can cause some very intense emotions. So along side any work you are possibly doing with a therapist, journaling can be a fantastic way to process the situation you have left, or the emotions you are feeling.
Start journaling with no judgment everyday. Everyday write down what you are feeling and why you think these thoughts are coming up. Then write down how you want to feel and start working on changing that thought around everyday!
Journaling is also a great way to look back and realise how far you have come when you start slipping again. You can look back and see that you are a little bit better every week! there are some great resources on Pinterest on how to heal from abuse through journaling. You can also start planning for the future as once you start feeling better, you will begin to start thinking about how you want to live your life!
Don’t Hide From the World
Coming out of a Physical or emotionally abusive relationship can result in low self-esteem, depression and anxiety! Getting out of the house can feel overwhelming and scary. As an introvert myself I do need to hide from the world occasionally. But there have been times when I have allowed my anxiety to make me hide.
This is a direct result of the abuse I have endured. There are times when I am going through a struggle I will hide away as I just feel so unworthy and disgusting. I would feel as though I was guilty of something even if I wasn’t and everyone was judging or laughing at me! This is something that I have had to work on a lot!
It has held me back so much as I know I am worthy but my brain tells me I am not! I have to then force myself to get out there and do the things! I have to remind myself that I am not guilty of anything and I am just as worthy of being in a place as anyone else!
So get yourself back out into the world and start living again!
Heal From Abuse Through Meditation
I spoke before about guided meditation for healing heartbreak HERE, but meditation and breathing is not just for healing heartbreak, it can help you heal from abuse too!
meditation brings you back into alignment with your own body and mind. After abuse it can feel that your mind and body are no longer yours, so bringing in a daily meditation process can really make a difference and bring you back in to the present moment.
Not only is it great for your mind, but it is great for your physical health too! Meditation is known to calm anxiety, aid better sleep and bring down high blood pressure!
Make A Plan
Start making big plans for the future and taking back control of your life! Having been through abuse myself, I know how low it can take your self-esteem ands self-worth. Something that has helped me is realising that I am capable of great things! I am capable of doing and being all of the things I was told I wasn’t.
It hasn’t been easy, but where I am now is no where near where I was when I left my 2nd abusive relationship. Back then I felt that I just wasn’t worthy of anything but being abused and being stuck in poverty. I deserved it as I was just an irrelevant, bad person. Now I know that is so far from the truth. I have so many skills and so many things to bring to the world and to my children!
Sit with yourself and think about what you want to do with your life! Gain back a sense of control and empowerment! This is where journaling comes in handy once again as you can brainstorm and write down everything you want in life and then start planning how you are going to get there.
Do you want to learn a new skill or gain a qualification? It is never too late! Maybe you have a business idea? Start researching! Want to travel? How are you going to make the money and make it happen?
You are capable and worthy of AMAZING things! Don’t ever let anyone think that you are not!
Comments
One response to “How To Heal From Abuse As A Single Mum And Thrive”
Great post!