Hello my lovely readers. Let’s be honest. Being a single mum is tough. So if you find that you hate being a single mum right now, you are not alone. I know, its not very love and light of me, but I speak the truth!
The immense pressure placed upon mothers in general is rediculous and so toxic, let alone the ones placed upon single mothers. Not to mention the constant worry about whether you’re doing enough or doing it right. It’s a lot. And sometimes, it gets too much!
As much as I want to share what I have learned over the years to make things a little easier and help us to smash through the rubbish stereotypes placed upon us, I also want to be real with you!
Which is why this blog post highlights just some of the reasons why I have not always enjoyed being a single mum. So if you are not loving the supposed wonderful journey of motherhood, you will know it’s ok. Your not alone. And you can stop beating yourself up!
Being a single mum sucks sometimes and it really is ok to admit that! It doesn’t make you a bad person, a bad mother, or a failure. It makes you human- yes, single mums are actually human- Imagine that?!
Mum Guilt Is Multiplied As A Single Mum
There are so many ways in which mum guilt can surface as a single mum. Society tells us we should love every minute of motherhood, and when we don’t, we feel like we’re doing something wrong. But let’s get real for a moment. Who loves every single minute of anything? Especially something as demanding and relentless as parenting? We are told that we should be grateful, that we should cherish every moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I love doing gratitude lists and taking stock of the amazing blessings I have in life… But let’s face it, it’s hard to cherish the tantrums, the financial burdon, and the loneliness that can be oh so prevelent as a single parent.
We see other two parent families who look like they are giving their children amazing lives that we just cannot manage to do by ourselves without burning ourselves in to the ground and losing ourselves completely. Or even other single mums who have the help and support of family and the non- resident parent and hate how ourselves and our children aren’t surrounded by that same love and support. So we feel as though we are failing our children.
I know I feel guilty that as a single mum of three neuro – diverse teens who all have very different needs, I cannot actually split myself in three and give them exactly what they need all of the time, whilst remaining sane.
We can feel guilty that we are working and not spending time with them or maybe we feel guilty that we are unable to work and cannot provide what they need financially- I have been in both of these situations and neither is better than the other by the way- so try not to beat yourself up for working or not working. You have to do what you can at the time!
The reality is, being a single mum is exhausting. We have to be ALL the things ALL of the time—provider, nurturer, disciplinarian, chef, cleaner, chauffeur, breadwinner—the list goes on. There’s no one to hand off to when we need a break, no partner to share the load, physically or emotionally. It’s all on us, all the time- and it is a lot!
Remember, it’s okay to hate the hard parts. It doesn’t mean you hate your life or your kids; it just means you’re human!
On top of the guilt we place on ourselves, there are the judgments that we face as single mums. I have spoken about this in the dating section. But it goes far beyond just dating…
The Judgment Of Being A Single Mum
As Single Mums We are judged so much by others- including other mums.
If our kids misbehave, its because we are not disciplining enough. If our house is a mess it is because we are lazy. If we look a mess it is because we are a scummy single mum who has let herself go. If our kids are neuro-diverse or different in any way, shape or form from other kids then we have done something wrong.
In other peoples eyes we are just never enough- Until you admit you need help that is- Then it’s, “Your so strong, you are doing great!”
Yes these judgments are misplaced and are a reflection of other peoples lack of education or life experience. Their judgments and lack of help and support, are still harsh for a single parent to bare when we often feel as though we are losing ourselves and fighting everyday to do a job that was built for two!
And maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but as much as I have the utmost respect for every single parent, Single Dads are not judged in the same way! But that is a topic for another post!
The Reality Of Money For A Single Mum
I speak a lot in my Money Section about finances for single mums. Money mindset and having money goals are so important for single mums to work on. But I need to acknowledge and want you to acknowledge that money and finance is tough for single mums- So if you feel like you are behind, or not hitting your goals as fast as others… Give yiourself a break!
Being the sole breadwinner on top of all the other demands of single parenthood is hard! Being financially stable makes things easier of course, but getting to that point can be harder and take longer- and that is ok!
You are one person, one income and taking care of multiple peoples needs!
I know it has taken me soooo long to get to a point where I have a good money mindset and it takes trial, error and pivots.
Sometimes we have no choice but to work full time and feel as though we are neglecting our children and sometimes we have no choice but to give up that full time job because our children need us.
And there is no back up income other than government benefits- queuing more stigma and judgment above of course!
But our kids need to eat- we have no choice sometimes! Although it doesnt mean we HAVE to stay there forever!
The Resentment Of The Absent Parent Is Real And Valid
I do not care how you got into the situation of being a single parent. Whether your children were concieved out of a 10 year marriage, or from a one night stand- you did not concieve them alone!
And yet the reality is, the bulk of the work is likely falling apon you!
This may not be the case for you. You may have an amicable 50/50 custody split with your ex and if so thats fantastic! This section may not apply.
But for some of us, we are carrying the WHOLE responsponsibility. Making ALL of the sacrifices, and shouldering EVERYTHING! With no input (or sometimes very little) from the other parent.
This can lead to a lot of resentment. And whilst I do believe that the only way we will thrive is by healing that resentment within us… it is ok to feel it!
It isn’t fair. It isn’t ok. It isn’t right!
So if you are feeling resentment, then that is perfectly valid! You did not create these children alone! They are not supposed to be your sole responsibility, and yet they are!
So feel it. Curse it. And then you can heal it.
The Reality Check Of Being A Single Mother
Some days, the weight of responsibility feels like it’s going to crush me. And I just wanted to write this post to let you know that whilst Single Mum Unhinged wants you to uplevel your life as a single mum, it is perfectly okay to admit that it is hard. And you don’t have to love it!
Admitting it doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids. It means you’re acknowledging the fact that you are a fucking boss and are doing something everyday that is soooo hard.
So, to all the single mums out there struggling and feeling like they’re not enough: You are enough. You are doing an amazing job in difficult circumstances. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. You’re not alone, your feelings are valid, and you don’t have to pretend to be perfect.