Ok so here is another Unhinged post from me! The raw, unfiltered, and downright uncomfortable reality of what it’s like to go it alone as a single mum. It isn’t an easy road, yes here at Single Mum Unhinged we want to uplevel and rock single motherhood. Its all about thriving not surviving! But that doesn’t take away from the fact that it is far from easy! And to be honest those of you who are not a single parent would do well to read these Uncomfortable truths about being a single mum too! Maybe then we will begin creating a more tolerant and compassionate world!
Although probably not… but one can dream right?
1. It’s Ok For Single Mums To Rely on Government Benefits
First things first, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: money. Yes I talk about money a lot! I am obsessed… after all, no matter what anyone tells you about how money isn’t everything, and there are more important things in life… have you tried feeding 3 hungry kids and yourself on love and happiness alone?! Hmm I didn’t think so!
So, Unless you’re sitting on a trust fund (Fantastic!), or have a lucrative side hustle that brings in upwards of £2,000 a month, you’re probably going to need to rely on government benefits at some point to be able to survive as a single parent in the UK. And you know what? That’s okay!
It is perfectly ok. I know single people with no children who struggle on one income, working full time, to be able to afford the rent, bills and food- so how is a single mum supposed to do that with more mouths to feed and less availability to work?
But oh, the stigma! You can practically hear the judgmental whispers, can’t you? “She’s living off the system.” Yeah, Karen, I am. Because raising a kid on a single income while juggling work, childcare, and the fifty other things on my to-do list isn’t exactly a walk in the park.
If the system is there to help, you bet your ass I’m going to use it. And you should too… with no shame! So, let’s cut the crap and acknowledge that sometimes, survival means accepting help.
But just remember… and I cannot stress this enough, as it is what held me back for soooo long!
You do not have to live on them forever! I was made to believe that because I had kids, and I was a single mum, I just had to be a stay at home mum, or get a low paid job and be stuck in the cycle of poverty… and guess what? I was for so long because I believed them!
Don’t get me wrong, having kids with additional needs, and a shit tonne of trauma, abusive relationships and little support held me back too, but also I listened to the noise, I listened to the people who thought I was good for nothing!
So, whilst you can, Use the government help as a support system whilst you need it, but continue working your arse off on your goals and dreams!
Get the education! Apply for the Jobs! Start the business! Do what you have do to create an amazing life!
2. We Have to Deal with Judgmental People Often
Speaking of Karen, get ready for an onslaught of judgmental comments and people treating you as though you are beneath them!
Yes, for some strange reason, even in 2024 as I write this, there are people out there who still consider single mums as somewhat 2nd class- and that just isn’t true! We are absolute Bosses, and most of these people couldn’t handle half of what we do!
But, we do just pop out babies to get the government benefits right?! We aren’t real people who have been through traumatic events which have actually lead to us being single parents!
And let’s not forget the ones who think that just because your a single mum, you will sleep with anything with legs and are gonna steal their man! No love, I REALY don’t want your man!
3. It Can Get Lonely
Here’s the part no one likes to admit: it gets lonely. Like, really lonely. Yes, your kids are there, and you love them to bits, but you can’t exactly have a deep and meaningful conversation with a toddler. And even as they get older, they can be great company, but they are still your children. They are someone who relys on you for support and survival. It is not the same as having a partner to help share the emotional load with.
This can be especially true when you have kids with additional needs. It is often harder to find your tribe and your support system, as most people really do not understand your situation or your kids, and quite frankly most people don’t want to! So yes at times the isolation can creep in, making you feel like you’re the only person in the world who understands what you’re going through.
4. You Will Likely Have to Adjust How You Parent
Remember that idyllic vision of motherhood you had before reality slapped you in the face? The one where you’re a perfect blend of Mary Poppins and Supermom, always patient, always prepared, and never resorting to bribery with sweets? Yeah, forget about it.
As a single mum, you’re often in survival mode- yes we need to get out of survival mode, but chances are you are in it, or at least have been. Sometimes that means screen time is your babysitter so you can get five minutes of peace. Sometimes it means you’re too exhausted to cook a balanced meal, and pizza is what’s for dinner.
I laugh so hard when people say “Oh, I would never allow my kids to do that/have that/ wear that!” it’s hilarious because I said that too!
You have accept the fact that you may need to adjust your expectations and realize that being a good parent isn’t about being perfect. It’s about doing the best you can with what you have, even if that falls short of the Instagram-worthy ideal.
This again goes even further when you add in some neuro-spicyness! I have children who never slept- they still don’t in fact. But they are older now so they don’t disturb me.
But my point is that for many years I had to do whatever it took to be able to get some sleep! Even if it meant putting a tv in their room so they would be distracted and it was the only thing that lulled them to sleep!
Because rocking up at the school slurring my words as though I was drunk, when in fact I had barely had more than 2 hours sleep a night for a month straight was not a good look! I actually still don’t know how I got through those days!
And That’s The Truth
So thats it… Four uncomfortable truths about being a single mother. It’s not always glamorous, it’s not always as rewarding as TV makes it out to be, and it sure as hell isn’t easy. But we do it every single day. We show up for our kids and for ourselves. And that, is something I want all of you to be proud of, no matter how you are doing it!
Stay strong, stay unhinged, and remember: you’re not alone!